Raising Strong Daughters to Seek Safe Men.
“Mommy”, she asked from the backseat, “How did Belle know which one to pick? How did she decide who to marry? The beast or Gaston?” My daughter was three when she posed that question to me, buckled into her car seat, her big eyes quizzical and curious. I am pretty sure I fumbled the answer but said something about choosing what was on the inside rather than the outside appearance. That little girl is almost in her teens now, and two more little girls followed, filling our home with all things pink and sparkly. We have more Stanley tumblers and baby dolls filling the corners of our home than I can count. I’m a mom of three beautiful girls, and surprisingly, I also am active in organizations fighting human trafficking and offering resources to women being sexually exploited. How do I reconcile the two? I’ll be honest; it’s harder than I ever imagined.
I graduated from nursing school right before our first daughter was born, and I planned to enter the field of forensic nursing (sexual assault response team). I didn’t anticipate taking and failing my nursing license exam repeatedly, missing it by one question until the maximum attempts were reached. I was blindsided. The nursing program was one of the hardest things I’d ever attempted, and I never anticipated that test anxiety (of all things) would put an end to my brief career. It was a dark season in my life, but I soon started my own company and poured myself into motherhood. I met my friend Kim in 2015, and she told me about the extraordinary work she was doing; helping support and offer resources to women in the sex trade. She was bringing worth and light to women who felt like outcasts, and instead offering them community, friendship, and opportunities. I wanted to be a part of it.
“Working in dark places where women feel unsafe, and then going home to hold your children in a stable and loving home is a weird dichotomy that never becomes normal.”
What I found was that the work was harder than I ever imagined, and as an empath, I felt it deeply. Working in dark places where women feel unsafe, and then going home to hold your children in a stable and loving home is a weird dichotomy that never becomes normal. There were times I had to drive around for a while before going home to my family to decompress because I simply felt so guilty for having the life I had. As my girls have grown, and eight years have passed, I have begun sharing bits and pieces of what I do and the organization I work with. They now know and understand, and they help support this work by pitching into our family life and enabling me to continue. And as they have grown, I have had to talk and explain to them what the underbelly of sexual exploitation really is. What is pornography? What is a strip club? What is sexual assault, consent, and trafficking? What is grooming, and who is a safe person? These are the topics that I, and other parents, are trying to navigate these days, and it’s not easy. As my girls enter their teens, I have begun to think about how I will convey to them the concept of Safe Men. How do I help them seek and value safe men in their lives? Here are a few things I am working to intentionally impart to them as they grow:
Modeling relationships and friendship with safe, respectful male family members and friends: I’m so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who loves his family deeply and protects and uplifts all of us. My girls are also lucky to be surrounded by a community of respectful, healthy men like their uncles, grandpa, pastors, friend’s dads, and coaches/mentors. We want the men around them to model healthy marriages, relationships, and lifestyles. We want this to be their normal, so anything else will feel foreign to them. So that if a boyfriend or friend treats them with disrespect or a lack of consent, they will immediately trust themselves and know it’s abnormal.
Pointing out and discussing characteristics of safe men: Even though none of our girls are dating yet, we have open and honest conversations about their peers. We encourage them to identify characteristics they appreciate in their male friends, like respectfulness, kindness, listening in school, and treating others with politeness. We have let them know these are things that they can continue to look for and seek out in their friendships and later, relationships so that they can help foster a sense of encouragement in their male friends. Recently, one of my daughter’s friends shared with her that she was dating a much older boyfriend. She immediately shared concerns she had with the friend, and we discussed mutual concerns about the situation and how to help her friend stay safe.
Honesty about realities and setting real boundaries: My husband and I want our girls to trust us, and we don’t lie to them. They know what trafficking and pornography are, and how these things harm men, women, and children. We are honest with them when we hear stories on the news about grooming or pedophiles, and we are vigilant about their online and physical safety. When they ask us why, we tell them the truth. We are also honest with other parents when they wonder why our child can’t attend a certain sleepover or have a TikTok account. Setting appropriate boundaries and being honest about the reality of sex crimes and exploitations is something that many parents think frightens children, but the reality is that they are equipped with age-appropriate knowledge and are better armed to help others and themselves. Having these talks with them means that they know what to look for as red flags in their siblings and their friends.
Encouraging independence and critical thinking: We work hard to support our daughters in their interests and skills and to allow them space to process and even push back (respectfully) on things they disagree with. Studies show that independent and confident young women are more likely to seek out partners who respect and value them and can be less likely to become victims of intimate partner violence. Studies have also explored how intergenerational patterns affect relationship choices. For instance, a paper in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence suggests that positive father-daughter relationships can break the cycle of abuse by modeling non-violent conflict resolution and respectful partnership behaviors, thus reducing the likelihood that daughters will tolerate or enter abusive relationships (Levendosky, 2011). We have also been very clear about what abuse is, and what they should do if they ever find themselves in an abusive relationship or situation as they grow. This can range from texting us code words to come get them, not getting in a car with a drunk driver/partner, who they could go to in an emergency, what spousal or partner abuse means, and what to do if someone they love is being abused. We keep things age-appropriate, so use discretion if you have sensitive kids and use appropriate verbiage.
Reconciling anti-exploitation work with raising daughters is challenging, but it’s both a privilege and a powerful responsibility. By showing our daughters the importance of standing up against injustice, we empower them to become empathetic leaders and advocates for change. Through open conversations and age-appropriate education, we help them understand the complexities of human trafficking while fostering hope and agency. The intersection of anti-trafficking work and parenthood can be transformative, providing an opportunity to instill values that shape our daughters into compassionate and courageous individuals who look for men unwilling to buy sex. As we continue to fight for a world free from exploitation, we find solace and strength in knowing we are raising the next generation to carry on this crucial work, armed with empathy and empowered to make a difference.
Sources:
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-15481-001
https://bristoluniversitypressdigital.com/view/journals/jgbv/7/1/article-p38.xml
