What Makes a Good Man: An Open Response to Christine Emba
In an opinion essay titled, Men Are Lost. Here’s a Map Out of The Wilderness., columnist Christine Emba writes about masculinity and the fight to define and claim it. She describes a "vacuum in defining masculinity today". At the end of the article, she asked for people to send in their ideas and responses. This blog is an open response to that call. I recommend reading the helpful and thorough assessment from Christine Emba first! Read Here.
Additionally, while the article's publication was nearly one year ago, the conversation rages on with the recent viral videos of the Man vs. Bear and now the Woman vs. Tree debates. How will we reach a place of safe and healthy survival with so much division?
I work in the field of anti-human trafficking and the deliberation of what makes a “good” man is near-constant in my circles; every day we are confronted with real-life examples of “bad” ones. By “bad” ones I am referencing the men who so freely exploit (traffickers) and those who so willingly consume (buyers). While the media most often focuses on the traffickers, those of us who work in the arena of anti-human trafficking know that it is the male buyers who are the ones driving the demand that creates sex trafficking. If there were no buyers, there would be no business.
The abhorrent and unexpected truth of Human trafficking is that it is overwhelmingly driven by the demand of men, who outside their proclivities to purchase human beings for their sexual gratification, are otherwise considered normal and “good” men. We know this from the sting operations in any given city that outs judges, business owners, local leaders, teachers, and more as solicitors of paid or underaged sex. In the anti-human trafficking movement, we are faced daily with the knowledge that sex buyers are a mirror of every “normal” American community.
“Herein lies our predicament; if human trafficking is driven by otherwise ordinary men who, in nearly all other arenas of their lives are considered “good”, then what makes a good man?”
Herein lies our predicament; if human trafficking is driven by otherwise ordinary men who, in nearly all other arenas of their lives are considered “good”, then what makes a good man?
To answer this question I look to my colleagues at Epik Project. Epik Project is an anti-human trafficking non-profit organization, which was founded… by men. When Epik Project began their work over a decade ago, they made a few key observations. First, they noticed that while demand is the root of trafficking, it is our general culture that seems to be the soil in which those roots are nourished. Narratives such as “boys will be boys”, “be a man, take what you want”, or “women are here for me to look at”, and the normalization of using hyper-sexualized imagery to sell goods have not only fostered a generation of burgeoning sex buyers but have essentially encouraged it. Second, Epik Project noted that while men drive the problem of human trafficking, they are also conspicuously missing in the solution. The anti-trafficking movement has historically been led by women across the globe and that observation is particularly glaring here in the United States.
Taking those two observations Epik Project got their start by leveraging technology to speak directly to sex buyers at the point of sale. In the early days, it was just a few guys gathering together in a borrowed office space in Portland, Oregon. They used existing technology to post purposefully vague ads on the now-defunct Backpage.com in the hopes of connecting with sex buyers. And boy, did it work. Within the first few minutes, the phones were ringing off the hook. The callers; men looking to “hook up” with cute, young women for a price. What ensued; a conversation.
“At first, we didn’t know what we were doing.” Says Justin Euteneier, the Program Director at Epik Project. “We had crafted a script hoping to deliver accountability and make the callers aware that their actions were harmful and wrong. Those early days were a real trial-and-error period for us. We had no idea how to reach these guys at a level that would not only make them aware of trafficking but lead to meaningful change. Also, to get them to understand the harm they were causing in their attempt to purchase a person for sex.”
Nearly ten years later, Epik Project has logged hundreds of thousands of purchase attempts at the point of sale and spoken to tens of thousands of sex buyers. When asked how they evolved since those early years Euteneier says, “The main shift for our work occurred when we started getting connected with survivors and survivor leaders. As we grew, we began to build partnerships with people who had “lived experience” in exploitation. These survivors helped us to understand how to connect with these buyers. Survivors helped us craft new scripts for our calls and they showed us how to interact.”
“Most importantly,” Euteneier continues, “the survivors taught us the importance of creating a shame-free environment for these buyers, which shocked us. If anyone has the right to heap shame upon sex buyers, it’s survivors, yet it was the survivors who were calling for us to connect with buyers without shame. The resiliency of survivors to exit such horrific situations and somehow also maintain their capacity for human connection is astounding. Because of what we learned from survivors, we realized that shame has no place in our work. Accountability, yes, but shame, no.”
Today, Epik Project has grown into a network of hundreds of male volunteers positioned across the country with chapters in 20 different US cities and Canada. Epik Project has moved beyond just “a bunch of guys” sitting around computers disrupting purchase attempts to a powerhouse in the anti-human trafficking fight.
Epik Project has evolved to launching a teen prevention program, engaging the community in raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for survivor-led organizations, affecting local and federal policy and legislation, innovating technology, and leading the conversation around what it means to be a “good man”. It is also significant to note that Epik Project has also done small things, such as buying and delivering groceries to survivors during the pandemic and privately funding survivor-led networks.
Throughout this time, Epik Project has successfully maintained its reputation for standing shoulder-to-shoulder with survivors, but never in front, a detail that can not be overlooked. In a culture that glorifies the hero narrative and sensationalizes the “rescue” of victims, Epik Project has built a foundation that is, well… not that. They prioritize listening to survivors and by elevating survivor voices they continuously acquiesce the spotlight.
This distinction is vital in the discussion of modern masculinity. Instead of charging out in front, guns-a-blazing, kicking down doors, and rescuing disempowered individuals, the men of Epik Project are instead providing a strong shoulder for survivors to lean upon. Epik is holding men who create harm accountable, while also quietly and effectively inviting men to deepen their identities beyond “protectors”.
Epik Project calls this brand of masculinity, “generative” and it is a masculinity that gives more than it takes.
“Epik Project calls this brand of masculinity, “generative” and it is a masculinity that gives more than it takes.”
As Christine Emba states in her recent Washington Post article, “The old script for masculinity might be on its way out. It’s time we replaced it with something better.” Generative Masculinity is that “something better”.
Epik Project founder and CEO, Tom Perez tells it like this, “So much of the criticism around the current state of masculinity is fair. The damage done by men wielding raw, undisciplined, and often violent power can't be overestimated. But I think we're at an inflection point and that's a good thing. I say that because so many young men aren't buying the masculine mythology older guys like me inherited. I am 62 years old and a lot of older guys like me have had enough of the old ways as well. We are looking for a better way and we have an opportunity to inspire men towards a better and more life-giving vision of masculinity."
In his upcoming book, Perez describes Generative Masculinity like this: It starts with having the eyes to see yourself for who you truly are; both the good and bad (that's humility) This leads to a tender heart that breaks because of the brokenness of the world (empathy) What grows out of that broken heart are strong shoulders that can both lean into the hard work of fighting things like sex trafficking as well as becoming the kind of men that others can lean on for strength (meekness) And all of this is sustained by feeding an insatiable hunger to make the world a better place. (appetite for justice).
What is notable about these pillars is that they take strength of character to cultivate. These characteristics are not adopted overnight. In this way, Generative Masculinity is asking that men step into their unique strengths and identity, and do one of the hardest jobs a person can do; change.
Perez says a good place to start is for men to begin to think of all the ways they can trade their power for strength. While power and strength may sound synonymous, according to Perez, they are indeed quite different, especially when it comes to matters of masculinity. Where power is about lording over others or imposing one’s will, strength comes from a much deeper place of self-awareness and accountability. Strength is something men can give in a way that benefits others.
Trading power for strength means coming upon a situation and instead of asking, “How can I take charge?”, the question becomes, “How can I use my strengths to support others in this situation?”. The world needs men who can lend their strength, not impose their power. Lending strength is a different way of operating within the world. Strength-based leadership, whether in the home or the boardroom, creates environments where all can flourish, and “flourishing” is a word that Perez uses often.
“When we embody the characteristic of strength, the relationships around us begin to flourish. Our lives improve and our communities deepen,” says Perez. “These pillars allow men to cultivate strong support systems. And men who have strong support systems are less likely to participate in exploitative behavior; such as fueling the demand for a multi-billion dollar black market human trafficking industry.”
As a woman, generally in this world and more specifically, working in anti-trafficking, I have seen the harms of toxic and violent men first-hand. I have had the honor of photographing nearly 100 American survivors of trafficking, each with their own story of abuse and degradation at the hands of pimps and buyers, who, primarily take the shape of entitled and violent men. As horrific as the stories of human trafficking are, what I often hear from survivors is another form of deep pain. This deep pain of survivors results from living in a culture of collective silence from all the men who laugh off or normalize everyday toxic behavior. Survivors describe that silence as deafening.
Epik Project has a call to those men, that they may activate their strengths by practicing humility, and empathy. That men may take time to examine the word meekness for its true meaning and to have such a hunger for doing the right thing. There is no time for silence or maintaining the status quo.
Epik Project’s brand of masculinity is like a breath of fresh air. They are not asking men to be weak. They are not asking for men to be feminized. They are modeling strong, resilient men who care deeply for themselves and others. Men who, when they walk into a room, elicit a collective relaxation of the female nervous system. Men who are strong AND safe. Men who embody a version of masculinity that gives more than it takes.
The opposite of toxic is generative. Where toxicity kills and erodes, generativity promotes growth and flourishing. Generative men like the men of Epik Project, are a new way forward, a way of being and existing that supports men and women, neither at the expense of the other.
